*Situations will be explained. Names will be stricken from the record. You are all safe. You were all apart of my life this year. Through good times and bad, you are now memories. Ones that must be looked upon.
2008 was quite a year for me. Ive really been thinking about it a lot the past week and I really dont feel "prepaired" enough to be writing a year end recap but tomorrow is the big day and this year as we all know it will be over. In some ways im going against my blog rule of no drama but i feel that its important. It may seem that its focusing on the dramatic but its more focusing on who i have become since. I GREW so much this year as a person due to these experiences and feelings.
It may seem a bit brash to say all this because MY events to YOU may not even seem like a big deal, that this is all so miniscule and i guess in some ways, it probably is, but its what happend. its how i felt and what i went through. This year was an overload of events and emotions ive NEVER felt before. My process of having and most importantly,LEARNING how to deal with every one of them.
If i had to choose 1 word to desribe 2008. That word would be "ADVERSITY".
If i had to choose 5 songs to represent 2008. They would be(in no particular order):
1. Bayside- How to fix everything
2. Atmosphere- gotta lotta walls
3. Alkaline Trio- Standard break
4. Kind Of Like Spitting- All Else Failed
5. Armor For Sleep- Somebody Elses arms
This all started at the very tail end of 2007, carrying right into 2008 resulting in the worst Christmas and New Years to date. As i said, so many feelings ive never felt. They all broke me down completely and made me become the most CONFUSED ive ever been about anything. First, I felt that i totally fucked up and pissed a good opportunity in life away. i was so angry and disappointed with myself. i had also hurt someone i didnt mean to. Always being the "good guy", handling "fucking up" didnt come so easy. Which lead me to feel GUILT. With that guilt and disappointment, I can honestly 100% say that i truly hated myself for a really long time. The feeling of being completely helpless and powerless to turn back time and do things different and just make everything "okay" crushed me. I felt LOSS for the first time as well and I cried. HARD. Something i havent done since i think 6th grade. 10 yrs of tears came out at once. Due to this hatred for myself. I began to accumulate self-esteem issues. i thought "am i really as great as i thought i was?". Which really fucked with me considering im always a strong and confident person(ality). Excepting total responsibilty for your own misery is a terrible thing to have to do. Though in the end, it was really just ME having a hard time FORGIVING myself for what i felt i had done.
These feelings made me reach down deep into myself and start the healing. I had to "figure it all out". I had to answer my own questions about why i did what i did and why what i did, happend. Needless to say i LEARNED far too much. I am a very stubborn person(more than id like to think). Im very much an individual, a rebel. I dont like being helped and told what to do. So i tend to oppose simply out of spite for those who are trying to influence me. Ive learned to not hold back, it hurts far too much. Which also lead to the conclusion of how important communication is. To say how you feel, no matter how hard words might be to say or how scared you are to say them. Naturally being Male, i tend to be very immature with my anger. I used to wish the worst for people, even if they deserve it or not, just for some sort of sick revenge. Most importantly ive learned about LETTING GO. I let the thought of someone else "ruin" the future. If i wouldnt have been holding on/out for something/one else, im sure things would maybe be completely different. They say you never get second chances in life and i believe that to be true now. Just stop hoping for them. Move on. Always move on.
All this doesnt even sound THAT bad when i look at it, but if you were a person i was asking for help from, you know how bad i was. Its all set and done and I have come out a stronger person. Ive hit my lowest low and made it out alive. I wouldnt say im "glad" it happened, cause it was fucking miserable but it did and WHY exactly? I still dont know. A harsh late realization i guess but ive learned a lot about things and ill take my new found knowledge and understanding and hopefully if something ever happens again, ill atleast be able to keep my head on my shoulders.
oh...the years not done.
This year also brought my MORALITY into question. I "hooked up" with someone in a sexual manner, completely free of any emotion. Which is weird cause im usually shy and have to have some sort of emotional attatchment to somebody to do such things,but there it happened and i was totally okay with it.
Also, with a different patron, i stooped to a level, one that i claimed i would never. I broke Number 7 of the commandments(sort of). A misdemeanor offense if anything. Theres a fine line between what makes a "great" man, Great. And a man, just an ordinary man. I thought of myself a highly respectable person. I have crossed that fine line into a new territory. I thought that it would feel a lot different, cause it doesnt feel like anything at all but feel as though I should be lumped in with every other dude out there on this,slowly turning black earth and if i had any faith in (a) God, hell would surely be awaiting me. But i am no different than i was even moments before. i am great.
GOOD THINGS OF 08:
-bought a new car
- HWM with Pete in NJ
-NYC with bricker
-RVA with soul control
- Jen norris came to visit
-mayhem festival
- murdza got married
Important people of 08:
rachel B
derek dolan
jared colby
tom laverne
jen norris
matt fox
kimberly morin
i thank all of you for putting up with my shit. listening. giving advice. spending your time with me. i spent a lot of this year in hell and if it wasnt for all of you it surely would have made it worse.
In conclusion i guess 2008 was the year of HUMANITY. I made a lot of mistakes. Did some things im not proud of but that is apart of life. I am not perfect. I am human. Im going to make mistakes and its totally okay for that to happen. But things that happen dont always make you a bad person. we all just get lost sometimes and dont always make the best decisions for one reason or another. Its what we take from all this which allows us to become better people.
2009 is a fresh start. New band, some new friends, maybe some new women. Its going to start off fantastic and i could only hope it gets better, but you never really know. I wish you all the best year possible. Im going to try to be the best that i can.
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