Bear Skin Rug!

I'M ON A BEAR SKIN RUG!

1 song that defines "You"

The Casket Lottery- The Great One And Lonely

I am the great one and lonely.
Who knows everything I know, but being the only one who knows it, only makes me all alone.
Yes, I have some secrets like I guess we all do.
Mine collect. Snowball effect. Like I guess everyone deserves to.
If youre really listening, you know everything.
I am the great one and lonely.

Yup, thats it. I feel that ive hit it pretty good.

However, my sister still says that Morrisseys' "Seasick, Yet Still Docked" is my "anthem" and I guess that I couldnt really disagree with that one either, haha

Drum Kit Idea #5

Tis the season that I fall into some Dolla$. Now, ive been trying to work out getting C & C for sometime now, however, I cant actually do it myself and someone has to give me the hook up, however I do not like bothering people, same goes for this person that I would be/have been pestering.

SO, im really going to try this time. I kinda put my big dreams away, and although knowing the whole time that im going to have to just go the cheap route, im finally okay with that haha. Beggers cannot be choosers!

heres what im looking at:
24x18
16x16
12x8
14x8 10ply snare

mini tube lugs. standard rack mount. floor mounts drilled onto the shell. 2.3mm hoops, except on snare, id get diecast. black kick drum hoops,with my wrap color inlayed on the hoop.

VERY standard other than the fact that im getting tube lugs, but come on! Standard lug options are always so ugly, thats why they are standard!

now, looking through C & C pictures on their gallery and myspace and thinking of some cool combinations, I figure if im getting a hook up, the less work I make them do, the better. So im going with a straight shot, one color everything. no stripes, no nadda.

i decided on Paua Orange 02. I LIKE IT! Even though it is SLIGHTLY hideous, but thats what I like about it. Its different. Which a lot of the time is why I can appreciate things.

I found a snare on their site and basically this is what my snare will look like. though this is a 7 inch snare rather than an 8.



Will I even obtain this fine drum kit you ask? Well, I really dont know. I hope so, but you can hope in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first, so...

Im going to talk to dustin probably tomorrow. See what we can make happen. Maybe even call C & C myself, with a contact and see what can be done for a price.

Wish me luck!

This is what I want for christmas!

MOVE THE FUCK OVER POWER WHEELS!



Kota My Triceratops Dinosaur
This animatronic, life-size baby dinosaur stands over 3 feet tall and comes to "life" with realistic sounds and motion! It responds to your voice and touch with roaring and laughing sounds, and expressive movements.

Old Thanksgiving Memories

For some reason I remembered an old Journal post that I had made in 2005! So old! It went a little something like this!

"Thanksgiving isnt Thanksgiving unless youre eating something dead.

However, Thanksgiving is about lies. We steal a country. Tell the indians to fuck off. Then in winter, we run out of food and pretend to like indians so we can have food. Then we kill all the indians.

Then we run out of indians and we just kill turkeys. Which is why 45,000 turkies died this past week.

from the farm to your plate! new delivary service!"



Not AS funny as I remembered it haha,but whatever! Though I am not much of a advocate of animal liberation, I do still find that picture just a tad disturbing. It sort of taints the holiday a little bit.

Thats all for now, legit turkey day update coming soon.

Musical Films

so can we talk about this movie a little bit?



Now at the time of its release, I really didnt care. Why you ask? Well, im not totally sure but probably out of spite for SOME reason. Whether it be "fuck that singing shit" "johnny depp is gay" and probably "fuck (add something here)". I can be very ignorant a lot of the time. Also, my sister really wanted to see it. So of course with a brother sister relationship and us though being the same person a lot of the time, still like totally different things, so im always at war in some way with her when it comes to stuff she is into, mainly cause I like to make fun of stuff and people. So its a light hearted kind of thing.

Im coming to the conclusion that A. Tim Burton just fucking rules & B. Anything Johnny Depp is in, is usually really good.

One day I watched it at Gil's house since he got a bootleg that weekend. I actually enjoyed it a whole lot. Then it simply fell out of my mind.

To the point of all this. I had watched it the other night, not sure how long ago it actually was, since it has been on cable this month. I for some reason am completely obsessed with this movie now. I watched it again through ON DEMAND cause it wasnt on. I watched it AGAIN last night, and then I went and worked the google on the internet machine to kill some time before sleep and as I got offline and unmuted the television, it was on and I started watching it yet AGAIN, though like half way through and I didnt finish it.

So with my Christmas provisions that I will be receiving soon, I plan on buying this on DVD and watching the fuck out of it!

Which reminds me to ALSO get this:


which is also a fine musical film. Not to mention the movie is visually out of its mind. Do so much drugs and watch this movie.

All good things must end.

Tonight was a cruddy night. Many of you do not know, but for the better part of 2 years I have been doing a musical project. Though sadly it just never got off the ground due to lack of finding a vocalist. Even though the decision made makes more sense than it should. Rather than continuing aimlessly for even longer than 2 years seems a bit, i dont know but I guess you just have to let some things go.

As much as I really dont want to, I must and will. Its just a terrible feeling to know that something youve put so much time into never really got to where it should. Some songs better than others,but I really did love every single one. All the potential in the world, and we hit a brick wall. It happens, to a lot of people, though it sucks that it happened to be me(selfish considering there are three others involved here). It was my ticket out, the dream. We had solid dudes, solid talent and a great vibe. A few slips but nothing we didnt get over.

Now im back at square one. Last night I was tearing up inside, tossed and turned. I always tend to beat myself up over, everything. So this is no different. I will miss all of them, though ill still see them. I just now have nothing at all in life. Nothing to do, it was my only hope at all. That one day of practice a week, was the only solace I had.

Ill be fine. Ill move on. Ill find another project to do. The music will never die. My shits packed up, in the basement, will soon be unpacked and ill just keep going. The positive thing to take from all this, was the experience. From where I was when this band started, to where I am now, is quite a large distance. I am by far a better musician that I ever was, but not that I ever will be. I have my band mates for that. Different things, lead me to push myself and I did. I made it with gold stars. I will take that and use it and apply myself to something else when it comes.

Things supposedly happen for a reason, though whenever things happen, I never know "why" they do. Its a little disheartening to also know the few opportunities that I have missed this past month, but what can you do? I could be somewhere else right now,but im not. So I shouldnt really beat myself up over that.

We are still friends, we will maybe play together again. who knows,but I will miss them all very much and still forever be some what sad that I never got to share a stage with some great people, performing some songs that in my short term in being in bands, have made me one of the proudest of people in the world. I was never not 100% proud of every single drum I hit. I showed the demos to everyone with confidence, i was never ashamed. This band to me was super man.

I am infact a bit teary eyed as I type this. Which I am a little bit happy about. Considering the last time I cried,was last December and the time before that, I dont even remember. So its good to know that I am infact human haha and that something other than complete and utter hatred for myself(that entry will be coming in January haha) can make me emotional. Im just remembering a good time and missing the moments that will now no longer happen, since now there is no future for the project.

Life is not over, it just feels like it. I will be heard from again. I have some people im talking to currently, putting my name in some minds, etc. Doing what I can. Maybe this time I will get to show my stuff out there under the lights.

To only imagine how this would be if we had actually done something and ended, oh god.

Daft Punk

I've always known of this "band". However, I've never actually heard or really cared to check them out.

I woke up this morning and had that GAP commercial on my mind and I was like, I NEVER got to finding out what that song was in the commercial,since when I heard the song I did like it. so I YouTubed it and there it was.



Completely oblivious to the fact that the 2 dudes(daft punk) are IN the fucking commercial. so I listened to a bunch of songs on youtube and I was rather shocked to find out how many of their songs I've actually heard(mainly through television ads).

so anyway, im Dling "Discovery" right now.



I wouldnt say that "I hate" this music, but I never really had liked or shown any interest in ANYTHING club,dance,house,electronic or whatever it may be called. Though I do like Prodigys album "The Fat Of The Land"(which reminds me to go download that again) which I did own in 6th-9th grade before I sold it cause I had gotten into Punk and Hardcore,which then lead me to denounce anything that I had listened to prior,cause im a idiot and I never really got into NIN which will occasinally show some influence of this,though maybe thats more "industrial" and to snobs of the genre is a completely different thing,which im sure that it is. But for some reason, im going to enjoy this album a whole lot cause I like more than half of it already since its been all over ADs and such.

This video will also give me nightmares. Fuck that midget robot thing with human teeth!

"Regression In The Service Of The Ego"

Yet another insightful passage from "The Denial Of Death". This book will occasionally dish out some awesome stuff.

If you know me at all, then you will read this and say "hm,makes sense" and not be shocked as to why I find this interesting. Now, I wouldnt say that Im the woman in the situation or the male, since I like to think I have some sort of perception into understanding both male and female psychological (re)actions and the only thing that pigeon holds any specific (re)action is whats been taught,mainly told to us by "society",but thats a WHOLE different thing all together. I guess what I could say is I understand the, moral significance,maybe? Of the whole thing. This is far deeper than anything I could ever explain, but on the surface, I agree and find it a fantastic referance for explaination. That I also may be blessed or cursed with the preferance to appreciate the mind before the body.

"But we can anticipate it by showing how sexuality is inseperable from out existential paradox, the dualism of humant nature. The Person is both a self and a body, and from the beginning there is the confusion about where "he" really "is"-in the symbolic inner self or in the physical body. Each phenomenological realm is different. The inner self represents the freedom of thought, imagination, and the infinite reach of symbolism. The body represents determinism and boundness. The child gradually learns that his freedom as a unique being is dragged back by the body and its appendages which dictate "what" he is. For this reason sexuality is as much a problem for the adult as for the child: the physical solution to the problem of who we are and why we have emerged on this planet is no help-in fact, it is a terrible threat. It doesnt tell the person what he is deep down inside, what kind of distinctive gift he is to work upon the world. This is why it is so difficult to have sex without guilt: guilt is there because the body casts a shadow on the persons inner freedom, his "real self" that- through the act of sex-is being forced into a standardized, mechanical, biological role. Even worse, the inner self is not even being called into consideration at all; the body takes over completely for the total person, and this kind of guilt makes the inner self shrink and threaten to disappear.
This is why a woman asks for assurance that the man wants "me" and not "only my body"; she is painfully conscious that her own distinctive inner personality can be dispensed with in the sexual act. If it is dispended with, it doesnt count. The fact is that the man usually does want only the body,and the womans total personality is reduced to a mere animal role. The existential paradox vanishes, and one has no distinctive humanity to protest. One creative way of coping with this is, of course, to allow it to happen and to go with it: what the psychoanalysts call "regression in the service of the ego". The person becomes, for a time, merely his physical self and so absolves the painfulness of the existential paradox and the guilt that goes with sex. Love is one great key to this kind of sexuality because it allows the collapse of the individual into the animal dimension without fear and guilt, but instead with trust and assurance that his distinctive inner freedom will not be negated by an animal surrender."

Favorite Songs.

These are some of my favorite songs. I have MANY more, though these are the ones that come to mind immediately when I think "favorite songs". Also, I dare not try to hunt down videos of all of them and many of them may not even have videos,but here are some.

Mariah Carey - New Music - More Music Videos

Depressive Psychosis

Something else that caught my eye as I continually read "The Denial Of Death"

"Schizophrenic Psychosis"- any of several psychotic disorders characterized by distortions of reality and disturbances of thought and language and withdrawal from social contact.

Søren Kierkegaard

If Schizophrenic Psychosis is on a continuum of a kind of normal inflation of inner fantasy, of symbolic possibilty, then something similar should be true of Depressive Psychosis. And so it is in the portrait that Kierkegaard paints. Depressive Psychosis is the extreme on the continuum of too much necessity, that is, too much finitude, too much limitation by the body and the behaviors of the person in the real world, and not enough freedom of the inner self, of inner symbolic possibility. This is how we understand Depressive Psychosis today: as a bogging down in the demands of others-family, job, the narrow horizon of daily duties. In such a bogging down the individual does not feel or see that he has alternatives, cannot imagine any choices or alternate ways of life, cannot release himself from the network of obligations even though these obligations no longer give him a sense of self-esteem, of primary value, of being a heroic contributor to world life even by doing his daily family and job duties. As I once speculated, the Schizophrenic is not enough built into his world-what Kierkegaard has called the sickness of infinitude; the depressive, on the other hand, is built into his world too solidly, too overwhelmingly. Kierkegaard put it this way:

"But while one sort of despair plunges wildly into the infinite and loses itself, a second sort of permits itself as it were to be defrauded by "the others". By seeing the multitude of men about it, by getting engaged in all sorts of worldly affairs, by becoming wise about how things go in his world, such a man forgets himself...does not dare to believe in himself, finds it too venturesome a thing to be himself, far easier and safer to be like the others, to become an imatation, a number, a cipher in the crowd"


This is a superb characterization of the "culturally normal" man, the one who dares not stand up for his own meanings because this means too much danger, too much exposure. Better not to be oneself, better live tucked into others, embedded in a safe frame-work of social and cultural obligations and duties.
     Again, too, this kind of characterization must be understood as being on a continuum, at the extreme end of which we find depressive psychosis. The despressed person is so afraid of being himself, so fearful of exerting his own individuality, of insisting on what might be his own meanings, his own conditions for living, that he seems literally stupid. He cannot seem to understand the situation he is in, cannot see beyond his own fears, cannot grasp why he has bogged down. Kierkegaard phrases it beautifully:

"if one will compare the tendancy to run wild in possibility with the efforts of a child to enunciate words, the lack of possibility is like being dumb...for without possibility a man cannot, as it were, draw breath."

This is precisely the condition of depression, that one can hardly breathe or move. One of the unconscious tactics that the depressed person resorts to, to try to make sense out of his situation, is to see himself as immensely worthless and guilty. This is a marvelous "invention" really, because it allows him to move out of his condition of dumbness, and make some kind of conceptualization of his situation, some kind of sense out of it-even if he has to take full blame as the culprit who is causing so much needless misery to others. Could Kierkegaard have been referring to just such an imaginative tactic when he casually observed:

"Somtimes the inventiveness of the human imagination suffices to procure possibility..."


In any event, the condition of despression might permit an inventiveness that creates the illusion of possibility, of meaning, of action but it does not offer any real possibility. As Kierkegaard sums it up:

"The loss of possibility signifies: either that eveything has become necessary to man or that everything has become trivial."

Actually, in the extreme of depressive psychosis we seem to see the merger of these two: everything becomes necessary AND trivial at the same time-which leads to complete despair. Necessity with the illusion of meaning would be the highest achievement for man; but when it becomes trivial there is no sense to ones life.
     Why would a person prefer the accusations of guilt, unworthiness, ineptitude-even dishonor and betrayal-to real possibility? This may not seem to be the choice, but it is: complete self-effacement, surrender to the "others", disavowal of any personal dignity or freedom-on the one hand; freedom and independance, movement away from others extrication of oneself from the binding links of family and social duties-on the other hand. This is the choice that the depressed person actually faces and that he avoids partly by his guilty self-accusation. The answer is not far to seek: the depressed person avoids the possibilty of independence and more life precisely because these are what threaten him with destruction and death. He holds on to the people who have enslaved him in a network of crushing obligations, belittling interaction, precisely because these people are his shelter, his strength, his protection against the world. Like most everyone else the depressed person is a coward who will not stand alone on his own center, who cannot draw from within himself the necessary strength to face up to life. So he embeds himself in others; he is sheltered by the necessary and willingly accepts it. But now his tragedy is plain to see: his necessity has become trivial, and so his slavish, dependent, depersonalized life has lost its meaning. It is frightening to be in such a bind. One chooses slavery because it is safe and meaningful; then one loses the meaning of it, but fears to move out of it. One has literally died to life but must remain physically in this world. And thus torture of depressive psychosis: to remain steeped in ones failure and yet justify it, to continue to draw a sense of worth-whileness out of it.


Wow, that one was a doosey.