Tonight was a cruddy night. Many of you do not know, but for the better part of 2 years I have been doing a musical project. Though sadly it just never got off the ground due to lack of finding a vocalist. Even though the decision made makes more sense than it should. Rather than continuing aimlessly for even longer than 2 years seems a bit, i dont know but I guess you just have to let some things go.
As much as I really dont want to, I must and will. Its just a terrible feeling to know that something youve put so much time into never really got to where it should. Some songs better than others,but I really did love every single one. All the potential in the world, and we hit a brick wall. It happens, to a lot of people, though it sucks that it happened to be me(selfish considering there are three others involved here). It was my ticket out, the dream. We had solid dudes, solid talent and a great vibe. A few slips but nothing we didnt get over.
Now im back at square one. Last night I was tearing up inside, tossed and turned. I always tend to beat myself up over, everything. So this is no different. I will miss all of them, though ill still see them. I just now have nothing at all in life. Nothing to do, it was my only hope at all. That one day of practice a week, was the only solace I had.
Ill be fine. Ill move on. Ill find another project to do. The music will never die. My shits packed up, in the basement, will soon be unpacked and ill just keep going. The positive thing to take from all this, was the experience. From where I was when this band started, to where I am now, is quite a large distance. I am by far a better musician that I ever was, but not that I ever will be. I have my band mates for that. Different things, lead me to push myself and I did. I made it with gold stars. I will take that and use it and apply myself to something else when it comes.
Things supposedly happen for a reason, though whenever things happen, I never know "why" they do. Its a little disheartening to also know the few opportunities that I have missed this past month, but what can you do? I could be somewhere else right now,but im not. So I shouldnt really beat myself up over that.
We are still friends, we will maybe play together again. who knows,but I will miss them all very much and still forever be some what sad that I never got to share a stage with some great people, performing some songs that in my short term in being in bands, have made me one of the proudest of people in the world. I was never not 100% proud of every single drum I hit. I showed the demos to everyone with confidence, i was never ashamed. This band to me was super man.
I am infact a bit teary eyed as I type this. Which I am a little bit happy about. Considering the last time I cried,was last December and the time before that, I dont even remember. So its good to know that I am infact human haha and that something other than complete and utter hatred for myself(that entry will be coming in January haha) can make me emotional. Im just remembering a good time and missing the moments that will now no longer happen, since now there is no future for the project.
Life is not over, it just feels like it. I will be heard from again. I have some people im talking to currently, putting my name in some minds, etc. Doing what I can. Maybe this time I will get to show my stuff out there under the lights.
To only imagine how this would be if we had actually done something and ended, oh god.
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