How much would you bet, that if I tried hard enough, I would spontaneously combust

The end of December yet again approaches and of course, Christmas is on its way. This also means New Years is right around the corner. So in fashion, I see it time for a yearly recap of the things that have happened this year.

It would seem that nothing happened or atleast not a lot, but things did happen.

- I saw Jimmy Eat World on their "Clarity" Tour.
- Jeremy and Kris got married and also gave birth to a son, I think I know of a few others who had children, thats mind blowing.
- I went to Philly with a few friends and got to spend time with Jill for a day or two and meet her now husband, Alex.
- I got to meet 3 very special young women which I am whole heartedly pleased to say that I am friends with from a country far far away called Australia.
- I FINALLY purchased a Custom Drum kit from Dark Horse Percussion.
- I deviated my septum on the 4th of July thanks to Adam Gil.
- A friend in need needed me to fill in on drums for one of their shows, so I did and had a great time, it had been my first time playing a show in 4 years. So that was a really cool thing for me.
- I saw Sunny Day Real Estate on their reunion tour.

Thats it really. Nothing you would call an amazing year to remember.

This year I had a "plan" or atleast a goal of some kind. I dont think you could really call it a "resolution", maybe it was, I dont know, but I am confident to know that ANYTHING would be better than last year and I'll be honest, it was. My "goal" was easy. It was just to simply to TRY. Like I predicted, nothing really worked out for me. Maybe I could have tried harder? Maybe its all my fault that nothing really happened. It wasnt so much to get out there and try new things. It was more of a reason to seize opportunities. Maybe I should have tried to MAKE things happen, rather than give attempts that things that just happen to cross me by. I wanted to do things a little differently, possibly correct mistakes ive made in the past. Put myself out there in hopes that something or someone might align with me or...get it. I feel you can only do so much. Its always possible to make something out of nothing, but its of course, so much harder. Considering I feel the things I want dont really rely on me. They are more up to other people. Im probably making excuses, but I dont think so. Im pretty good at calling out bullshit, even my own.

The love I chose packed up and left like every love I've ever known. I believe that it was lucky number...4. Though you can't blame anything or anyone. Its nothing any of the women I've been fortunate enough to spend time with OR me had done wrong. It just came down to a decision. Me or...something else, somewhere else. It has seemed to be more that simply LIFE has been just pulling everyone in other directions. Whether it be ex-boyfriends, new boyfriends, family, jobs and things of that variety. And Im sure that my current interest will suffer the same peril. Come daylight savings she'll be just as gone as the cold weather and like the remaining snow we'll simply dissipate. I've never had a knack for timing, as it would seem. Id like to one day fix that.

On a more poisitve note, I tryed out for this band called Linden. My friend Rob had called me and told me his friend Eric deals with this band. They need a guitarist and drummer. So me and Rob learned some songs and tracked our tracks with Jared and sent them off. It was probably the most out there thing I've done. I was following my goal. I didnt care if I had to move out to Wisconsin. I was going to give it a shot and try to MAKE it happen. I gave it my best and it goes without saying, Im still here.

This same Eric gave me a call to also fill in for anoter band he deals with. They had a 2 month tour lined up and their drummer had just quit. Sadly, 8 days is not enough time for me to prepair myself or my place of employment that I would be abruptly leaving for 60 days. Now you could argue with me that right there I blew my ticket out, but Its something I didnt feel I could do. So I feel I made the right decision.

Speaking of decisions, I've made the decision that its time. Hopefully in the spring, summer or fall I will be moving out of my home. I've milked it for as long as I can. I've been spending a lot of time in the city and id like to move closer. Id probably see people more often. People might actually come over. I'll probably feel a lot less lonely. You never know who you might run into on the streets and theres always a place to go for a drink or a talk. Its a lot closer to my work. In the summer I can ride my bike for transportation and use my car less. I think it'll be a really good time.

I need to get out there on my own. It'll make me worry about more important things than what I worry about now. Though I know that I will be just fine. It might even occupy some of my time. I can always clean, do the dishes, take out the garbage, or paint something.

2010 brings new life.
- Im gonna move out.
- I've got plans to go visit my friends in Australia.
- I've been really wanting to get back into writing music again. So im going to start trying to get into a musical situation.
- My drums will be finished! I'll then be going to NJ/NYC to go get them and visiting friends.
- In January Ill be going to Florida to see Juston and Lauren get married. Starting the year off right with a trip to escape winter for atleast 4 days.

You never know what can happen. Maybe I'll find that band. Maybe Ill find a really cool place. Maybe I'll finally be enough to keep someone around. Maybe none of this shit will happen at all but as long as I feel good nothing else matters. I mean whats the worst that can happen? I get stuck in the same place I've been all my life.

Here we go again.

All good things must end.

Tonight was a cruddy night. Many of you do not know, but for the better part of 2 years I have been doing a musical project. Though sadly it just never got off the ground due to lack of finding a vocalist. Even though the decision made makes more sense than it should. Rather than continuing aimlessly for even longer than 2 years seems a bit, i dont know but I guess you just have to let some things go.

As much as I really dont want to, I must and will. Its just a terrible feeling to know that something youve put so much time into never really got to where it should. Some songs better than others,but I really did love every single one. All the potential in the world, and we hit a brick wall. It happens, to a lot of people, though it sucks that it happened to be me(selfish considering there are three others involved here). It was my ticket out, the dream. We had solid dudes, solid talent and a great vibe. A few slips but nothing we didnt get over.

Now im back at square one. Last night I was tearing up inside, tossed and turned. I always tend to beat myself up over, everything. So this is no different. I will miss all of them, though ill still see them. I just now have nothing at all in life. Nothing to do, it was my only hope at all. That one day of practice a week, was the only solace I had.

Ill be fine. Ill move on. Ill find another project to do. The music will never die. My shits packed up, in the basement, will soon be unpacked and ill just keep going. The positive thing to take from all this, was the experience. From where I was when this band started, to where I am now, is quite a large distance. I am by far a better musician that I ever was, but not that I ever will be. I have my band mates for that. Different things, lead me to push myself and I did. I made it with gold stars. I will take that and use it and apply myself to something else when it comes.

Things supposedly happen for a reason, though whenever things happen, I never know "why" they do. Its a little disheartening to also know the few opportunities that I have missed this past month, but what can you do? I could be somewhere else right now,but im not. So I shouldnt really beat myself up over that.

We are still friends, we will maybe play together again. who knows,but I will miss them all very much and still forever be some what sad that I never got to share a stage with some great people, performing some songs that in my short term in being in bands, have made me one of the proudest of people in the world. I was never not 100% proud of every single drum I hit. I showed the demos to everyone with confidence, i was never ashamed. This band to me was super man.

I am infact a bit teary eyed as I type this. Which I am a little bit happy about. Considering the last time I cried,was last December and the time before that, I dont even remember. So its good to know that I am infact human haha and that something other than complete and utter hatred for myself(that entry will be coming in January haha) can make me emotional. Im just remembering a good time and missing the moments that will now no longer happen, since now there is no future for the project.

Life is not over, it just feels like it. I will be heard from again. I have some people im talking to currently, putting my name in some minds, etc. Doing what I can. Maybe this time I will get to show my stuff out there under the lights.

To only imagine how this would be if we had actually done something and ended, oh god.