Ode To Serotonin

The past few months I've been gearing up to the commemoration of my blogs first birthday. Only to realize I'm on my THIRD year of blogging. Whoops? So, HAPPY THIRD BIRTHDAY BLOG! You have been a good friend and I would like to take a few moments to talk about you.

As minuscule as it might be, this blog has had a very positive impact. It started out as an archive for me to jot down all the specs I had for the numerous custom drum kits I would create on a daily basis. I didn't really have any idea that it would turn into what it did.

I took it upon myself to steer this blog about as far away as possible from Live Journal as I could. Not only is Live Journal old news in the Internet world but I was also extremely guilty of being your typical "Live Journal user" in which I would disgustingly complain and pour myself into on a semi-regular basis about my troubles at hand and yes, they were mainly all about girls. I was no different than any other asshole on the Internet using that website.

Now, I've grown up. I've changed. It's time to personify myself appropriately. I will admit that I used to be a VERY melancholy person. From the ages of about 15-19, maybe even longer than that. I spent a lot of my years in all kinds of random holes. Some how all tied into "Love" in one way or another. What one even understands of love at that age is most likely complete bullshit anyway. So I guess that it was teens being teens. It was that, wasn't it?

In preparation for this, I've really tried to look at myself. So that I could properly distinguish who I am now, to who I was then. It's bizarrely all boiled down to 2007's down fall. The down fall of myself, if you will. If you have ever seen the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall I'm sure you are familiar and in some way connected yourself to the dialogue between Peter and Rachel on the cliff. I too feel impervious to pain. I honestly feel as though I had hit the lowest point I ever had in my entire life that winter. Since then I have become a completely different person. It's obvious that there is only one way to go from the bottom and that way is up. I no longer worry about love. Sure things have not worked out for me since but I look at them so much differently now. My blog has occasionally been compromised with what I have dubbed "rule breakers" due to these missteps. Though instead of ranting on like a mindless baby, I try to convey the emotion artistically. I try to grasp it, understand it and profoundly express it.

I cannot even remember the last time I carried a melancholy vibe. I see this a good thing. This blog has given me a place to express who I am today and I think I do a good job at it. It might not be perfect, well followed an viewed across the Internet and my grammar might be complete shit but none of that matters to me. I don't look down upon the rule breakers. For it is human to feel pensive sometimes and it is just apart of me as it is anyone else. Its all in how you deal with it and I just choose to not make myself look bad any longer. There's no time to be sad and it sure as hell does not belong on the internet. I'm a bright, loud, smiley and fun personality. Thats how I try to keep this blog. It might be a bit corny to admit that I am always thinking of what I can blog next. What am I going to find or what am I going to have to say. I don't consider myself a writer and I probably never will. I wouldn't even consider myself a "Blogger" even though by argument I totally am. I feel that most dubbed "bloggers" are self-absorbed attention whores spewing their ideals across the web in attempts to gain some sort of credible mark in the world of journalism. (view what I'm saying here on my buddy Phils tumblr).

I am very excited for things to come. When I stop and think about how awesome life is going to be from late August-December it blows my mind. For those who follow, thanks. I'm glad you like what you see. I have no intention of stopping.

Happy Birthday Blog!

"those who escape hell however 
never talk about it 
and nothing much 
bothers them 
after that." - Bukowski

FUCK YEAH. RHYS DARBY

fuckyeahrhysdarby.tumblr.com

if you enjoy Rhys Darby as much as I do, dont be ashamed, you have a home.

Unmissed Conncections

So theres a new band out, they have a new song up. This part is no big deal really. Though they blogged about, what im guessing, is the whole meaning to this new song. Who these people are, what band they were in, what band they are all in now, doesnt really matter. The whole point of me even blogging this, is to remember it. When the blog, the band, the people, me, are all gone. I read this and much like a lot of the things I've ever read in the past and probably will read in the future, a light bulb went off.

Now I wouldn't say that I have a hard time expressing myself on certain views when asked but sometimes other people just say better shit, so, fuck it. I read this and felt very much in tune with what was said. This persons views, whether they are true or fictional for the sake of song. Whether this event occured or it was made up for the sake of story. I very much feel the same way. What its REALLY about, I could only guess, but many things in art are always left open to the viewer, the listeners, own interpretation.

This is the blog which I am re-posting is from this band called Nocturnal Me.  Now how you feel about this song, these dudes or bascially anything else, I dont care. This isnt some shameless promotion, this isnt some fan blog(though maybe it is? haha). This is simply a series of words which I felt was in some essence, "ME" and I wish to document them, much like the large amount of book quotes that are throughout my blog. Excluding the mind games part, im not too into games, PERIOD. I do like to get in their mind though, but MY intentions are not for games. The mind is the best and only way to really KNOW things about a person. Which I love doing. Ive probably pointed out things you do, say, weird ticks you might have, your fears and why you have them, and have in a minor way, poked fun at you for them, but I asure you, its all in good fun.

"This Isn't Love 

"This is not my scene"...I thought to myself...

"This shouldn't be anyone's scene"...the other side of me replied...

Any place where you can smoke inside is bad news now a days, and for me its doubly true. I can barely breathe as it is, I don't need the help of vaporized nicotine and stuffy situations. The last thing I want/need is to waste my breathe on common conversation with anyone within these walls. I came in here with the home team and even we don't exchange more than a glance and some suttle nuances throughout the night. Words are overrated and oxygen is at a minimum. 

I grab a drink and a seat (in that order) and decide to let my mind unfold for a while. I've always had the tendancy to look people in the eyes whether they're right in front of me or across the room. It's one of my only qualities that I continue to develop on a daily basis, and I also think that's what got her attention. This place wasn't crowded by any means but there were enough people there to call it a competition...

She works, I watch
She looks, I smile
Lather, rinse, repeat

For hours it goes like this until a subconcious connection is formed to the point where I feel familiar once she comes over to greet me.

"This is my kind of girl"...

Someone who doesn't cling to the stereotype of male dominance in romantic relationships. I HATE approaching women. 24 hours a day they are bombarded with insincerity and sketchiness and I refuse to fall into that category. From a very young age I decided that playing the game that way was not going to work for me. If I was going play the game at all, I was going to do it my way...Patiently, intelligently and planned. You can never lose as long as you don't invest yourself too much, and in this situation that's my M.O. Calm, cool, collected and detached. I never had a problem sleeping alone, and tonight is no exception.

The conversation navigates familiar waters. Where are you from? What do you do? What are you majoring in? Where do you live? What's your dog's name? Have you ever been to Amsterdam? How about this humidity? Do you have a cigarette? Why don't you smoke? Can I buy you a drink? etc...etc...Until finally, 6 syallabels are muttered which attack the crux of the situation with percision that only a female mind can conjure

She asks..."What are your intentions?"

At this point I'm always extremely honest. I'm a very affectionate person by nature, I love women and I love being close to them...If there is an opportunity for close combat, I'm just as eager as the next dude. But there IS something slightly different about me: I thoroughly enjoy mind games and I'm not ashmaed of it. The chase means more to me than any close encounter ever could...There is just something much more enthralling about playing a chess match and getting inside someone's head vs. getting wasted and getting in someone's bed. Call me old fashioned, but I'd just like to think I'm avoiding desperation with this mindset.

She can't take my honesty. It's obvious she's been jaded by her past and my answers seem to make her confused/angry/happy all at the same time. Am I a wolf in sheep's clothing? Another regret that she is bound to make? Or am I diamond in the rough? An opportunity she will likely never see again for months to come?

The questions remain unanswered. A few more drinks and she doesn't really care about my intentions; at this point ours may have morphed into one and the same. The time comes to pull the trigger and in my usual fashion I am gunshy. The lack of mystery unveils the situation for what it is and all I really want to do is go home and get a good night's rest. My causal irreverence towards the situation offends her to the point where she surrenders her Stoli 7 and Lime, shakes my hands, and bids me adieu immediately. 

I remain unphased, unattached and unwilling to compromise my vision in order to gain experience. I'm only interested in someone who can capture my full imagination and it's obvious that tonight was no more than a conversation piece and a lesson.

The truth is simple:

It isn't much if you don't mean it. 
And it isn't love if you don't need it. "

Dedication Blog # 2

I think that this may become a new thing, every once in a while when I feel something or someone is deemed worthy of being Dedicated to.

Tonight brings me to this man right here:

He is probably the most Epic Gentleman to ever live. Such a well Dressed man.

So simplistic. Writes the most honest songs, just like "hey, this is how I feel baby" and its the most amazing. He has the most memorable lines. I could not possibly quote or remember them all.

Also one of the few "Artists" that doesnt have a bad song. All Franks songs are golden. You cannot top that!

He makes being bummed look good. I look up to Frank.

Best Dude.

Dedication Blog

Now, this seems VERY weird to me for some reason, why im not exactly sure. So ill just get right to it.

There is a gentleman by the name of Stephen Christian. Many people might not know him by name but would very much recognize him as the singer for the band Anberlin. I dont know him personally, though ive stood next to him once last summer, but he does seem like an intelligent fellow and very down to earth. Inspiration is inspiration none-the-less so in reality it really doesnt matter where you get it from. Hell, Rich inspired me to get this blog in the first place by making it seem like a lot of fun, which it is.

To the point, with the turn of this new year and my recap post I've said numerous times what this year means for me. Things might still not "happen" for me,whatever that even means, but that really isnt the goal of this. Its to make attempts. To do things as different as possible than I have done in previous years of my life. Whatever the outcome is, I cannot be ashamed and I must accept the consequences of the actions that I do. Cause its the chance that you take. Id rather take them and deal with whatever comes than to not do them at all and always wonder, what would have became. 

Stephen has a blog, widely followed across the world id imagine called The Modesty Writers Guild. Its a blog that I follow and enjoy reading. On December 31st the blog was updated with a blog called "reject acceptance. accept rejection". I read through this blog and yelled "THATS IT! Thats exactly it!" I found, in this other mans words, EXACTLY what this year encompassed to me. I found it a little strange to be honest, why, i dont know, but there it was and it made me smile and gave me a little bit more ambition to really "try" when a certain situation or opportunity is at hand.

This year will be probably very long, maybe it will feel short. Maybe Ill get some opportunities shot my way, maybe ill make some happen. There could be a lot of disappointment, there could also be fantastic outcomes which fill me up more than I ever have before. No one ever really knows. There are things I want, (a)Person(s)I want, places I want to see, will I get them? As long as I do all I can, I think that I'll be alright. It might hurt at times, but Ive survived this long havent I?

"so this upcoming year all i am asking is that you simply try. i know it sounds easy, but its not because sometimes it hurts to hear no. but what if, just what if there is a yes to be found amongst the no."

My last blog ever...

OF 2008!